Article on jealousy in the poly lifestyle

[Gandalf_the_black]

A post I wrote today:

https://telegra.ph/But-shes-shagging-him-how-can-you-be-happy-with-that-07-22

[RuoskaMikko]

An insightful article, especially the beginning.

When you are in a polyamorous relationship and your partner is involved with other partners, and somebody asks you "how can you be ok with that?", it is good to remember that the question is not only on you. You are connected to those you're involved with and that's great, proof of that is that you can set yourself in the shoes of the person asking that question, because what he's saying is "I would feel like I'm now feeling if I was in your situation" and he's obviously feeling off about it, he's voicing it out because he can't connect with you on that issue but wants to. There's a disconnection when people don't see eye to eye, even if they have opposing opinions. Like, I'm a leftist, but I realize the value of preserving the societal economy, and if I'm involved with a right-winger who sees the value of taking care of the poor etc, even though his main focus is elsewhere, we see eye to eye. That's something you're after when someone poses you that kind of a question.
So how I'd go about being in the kind of situation where you were in the beginning of your blog, I'd focus on seeing the value of monogamist's way of life and where he comes from with his question. It probably varies on person, but I'd bet he has a hard time realizing that monogamy and polygamy are both contracts, promises, which involve being with another person for a certain amount of time in certain terms. People usually get more upset when you go against the idea they uphold, than when you actually harm them. So the more open you are to different ideas of handling your relationship instead of tying yourself into ideas, the less room there is to get hurt.
Of course, some ideas can and are very healthy for pretty much everyone, like having people you can count on and trust and share important things with. But the more you get locked into an idea instead of looking at situation as it is, the more you're usually gonna get hurt.

Maybe I'm different because I'm used to people coming and going from my life, for years even, or permanently. People I held the most important in my life. However, human relationships can turn to addictions, and it's an addiction when you don't get much out of it but still invest much in it, and can't stop. Having nothing better to do isn't the case, it's just not realizing the things you could enjoy from. Also while we need human relationships, who says they don't change? Usually though it's because people are so wound-up with their own traumas, things most people don't consider traumas but are and affect us for until we deal with them, like your parent not letting you be who you really were when you were kid and learning to put on a bit of a show from early on. If most people are like that, you need to find a partner who's a really good match with you in order to withstand the slow melting-away of that trauma, that is if you even are in a healthy relationship to begin with. Which sounds like you are from your blog post.

The better you become at seeing the genuine side of people, the easier it is for you to see how things are gonna play out with the people you meet. Also being more in touch with yourself is a thing. I know it sounds silly to say that, but there's so much baggage people carry without realizing any of it, until the pressure builds up and they HAVE TO take a break and take care of themselves. Carrying that baggage can increase your capacity to deal with thing and I think it does, but if you don't lighten that baggage it's gonna be in your way, so I don't see avoiding problems as a solution either.

You're absolutely right in your blog in that both people in relationship need to handle their problems of that relationship together, but I'd say you should also handle things on your own first, at least with the kind of problems that feel harder for you. I suppose that might go without saying for you, but I know there are quite a few people out there who put all their focus on others and neglect themselves, so I think it's appropriate to say it here. I was actually closely involved with one such person for a good while, and seeing her neglect herself so much is frustrating. And I've been and probably still am the opposite, not being able to connect with others but taking good care of myself. That is also a tragedy where you can't help but to lack in human connection. Even my pets knew that when they were alive. And it's not even about wanting or being able to become mutually receptive, both conditions are met but you just don't find a way, at least I didn't so far, maybe now though. You probably meet people like me who do their best to be good to you, but unlike me, they don't realize their condition and wonder why things don't work. They might seem to have everything in order, but you just can't connect with them, they're always distant. And trust me, they don't want to be that way, at least they didn't if they were more conscious of their condition. But you're better off not letting pity or anything take over you and let them go once you feel it's not good for you, because they do want your best too and they'd be double hurt to see you suffer because of them.

As you said in the end about ending one of your relationship due to lack of self-honesty and reflectiveness, those are basically what you should do with yourself. Lack of those is a recipe for personal tragedy.

[Irwikissa]

Had many thoughts while reading your post. There where some parts that really hit me.
How open the discussion must be straight from the beginning, telling about emotions, fears and consern, where jealousy might come from. Emotionally open. 
How other people can poison your mind by raising negative emotions and thoughts, doubt, even tough they probably are just conserned and have good intentions

"--so when a person feels alone and outside, because your spending time with someone else, they don't fall into the trap of suddenly handling everything unilaterally, because technically, that already kills the sense of 'relationship'."
-feeling this..

"Three times in the last year I've been burned by people seemingly exploring non-monogamy, but actually in the end were unwilling to experience or process jealousy or feelings of being outside, but who nevertheless only discovered this after months of letting me get close to them"
- this part was sad, but what can you do.. You always have to ask yourself the same question when meeting someone new: is this person worth the risk?

[Gandalf_the_black]

I'd say you should also handle things on your own first, at least with the kind of problems that feel harder for you.

Agreed. If it's possible to make headway on your own, it's good. If you are completely lost, you have to reach out, though hopefully in a way that says "I'm thinking this, but I know I might be seeing it all wrong, but I just can't see my way through it at the moment".

Sometimes I think the last step is the hardest, that you get to that point where you can see it's your own fears and insecurities, but are not sure what to do about them - the self-parenting bit, arm around the shoulder, the cool waters of empathy and understanding, putting out those fires raging inside you. Finding that compassionate part of yourself to reassure and heal the part that of you that is struggling. All a bit split personality, but I've found it works. In fact, it is amazing how well it works.

Thanks for your comments.

[Gandalf_the_black]

Had many thoughts while reading your post. There where some parts that really hit me.

Thanks for taking the time to share that. Solidarity.

- this part was sad, but what can you do.. You always have to ask yourself the same question when meeting someone new: is this person worth the risk?

Yes. I tried to laugh it off. My personal universe was going through a "sorry, no you can't" phase. It's not like I haven't even had a yes or two. I can't really complain. But still, it's like grief. Everything that was moving forward--so many positive threads that lit up my world--suddenly all standing still, forever, seemingly. And the only way forward is to move way from that, alone.

But, hope is reborn. I have my optimism back. There are some seriously nice people in this world, that's what brings me back to life.

When you (we people that is) fall in love, it feels so personal, meaning that it involves something of our essence. Not just that it involves feelings, but that it's a contrast to life as work, to life as learning (when have I learned enough?) or to life as routine activity... those roles you play, rewarding in their way, but they might not address that deepest part of you.

Falling in love is like the universe suddenly noticing you, getting in touch, with YOU - if feels so personal in that way. It's so important not to let the door shut on that side of yourself even when things don't work out with the other person. The inspiration is real, it's worth something, even if we discover it through the gentle touch of another, who might not always be there.

Thanks for you comments. Meant a lot to feel your empathy.

[kuje]

Ah, this was so nicely written, I can so easily relate.

Falling in love is like the universe suddenly noticing you, getting in touch, with YOU - if feels so personal in that way. It's so important not to let the door shut on that side of yourself even when things don't work out with the other person. The inspiration is real, it's worth something, even if we discover it through the gentle touch of another, who might not always be there.

Beautifully said.

I have luckily lately been in a situation, where jealousy has been if not completely out of the picture, at least very faint. But I have had my share of it earlier for sure, both in mono settings and poly ones, coming from the side of my partner(s). Going through it, really diving into the core of the so called feeling of jealousy (which, as you wrote in the article, is actually combination of many difficult feelings) is hard work, and requires a lot of effort and willingness to face the dark sides of ourselves and our partners. And being able to communicate honestly and staying compassionate even when it feels horrible... well, it is never easy. Not for the person who is jealous, nor for the person receiving that. Happening in a primary relationship or in other kinds of relationships, it for sure throws people to the cold water. Some learn to swim there, some don't. And as somebody wrote above, I have also learned to actually consciously think if a person I like is really worth the risk. Mostly I am still optimist and would vote for yes.